What do you say when your child says, “No!”? Practical and immediate ways to dissolve parent/child power struggles are available through Compassionate Communication, AKA Nonviolent Communication, or NVC. There is a way to hear the “yes” underneath the “No!” and let the “No!” lead to a more satisfying connection and relationship.
Marshall Rosenberg developed the heart-centered compassionate communication process that has been used successfully between parents and children, couples, gangs, religious parties, and even many war-torn countries. Relationships improve through understanding. His book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life shares his compassionate communication methods through his experiences, as told in easy-to-read, clear stories that are sometimes funny, sometimes touching, and mostly amazing in their successful resolutions.
“Words are windows or they’re walls, they sentence us or set us free…” These are the words sung by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., in “The Basics of Non Violent Communication 3.2,” from his extensive YouTube video series. (Link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEsGcLrdp8M)
“Parenting From Your Heart; Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice” is a booklet by Inbal Kashtan (2003 Puddle Dancer Press). Practical worksheets translate situations between parent and child into feelings and needs. Asking and answering, ‘What might the parent’s feelings and needs be?,’ and ‘What might the child’s feelings and needs be?,’ can bring relief and understanding even if the parent answers silently and when the child is preverbal. There are lists of feelings showing basic feelings we all have when our needs are met: energetic, hopeful, comfortable, trustful and thankful, versus when our needs are unmet: angry, disappointed, hopeless, sad, helpless, and overwhelmed. Children can learn an expansive range of emotions when a parent shares their exploration of feelings and how they meet their needs out loud.
A great philosopher-prince, Shotoku Taishi, who lived in the turn of the sixth century, taught tolerance for every human, every creature, and every emotion.
Jonia Mariechild, a communications facilitator for 25 years, echoes this sentiment often, encouraging her weekly practice group to give “equal opportunity for all emotions.” She says, “Compassionate Communication teaches the skills of following “what is alive” and learning to let go of “enemy images.” Compassionate Communication teaches the skills of empathy which allow parents to connect with themselves and their children with compassion.
Compassionate Communication teaches tools for creating relationships based on trust, creating a mutually empowering connection of “power with,” rather than “power over,” using force, or dominance. Through Compassionate Communication techniques you can share your deepest values and balance your own needs with the needs of others. It can also help to create a bridge of reconnection when things are tough by supporting honest, clear expression, and improving the ability to listen to others with empathy, without blaming or judging others.
Jonia explains that when we hear the feelings and needs behind someone’s words, we are hearing their heart. “When we listen with “ears of the heart” we are protected from taking things personally and we are more likely to communicate in a way that meets our own needs as well as the needs of others. Compassionate Communication can be summed up in the words of the ancient Persian poet Rumi’s poem, ‘Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.’ In the “field” of compassion, there is unconditional acceptance, understanding and deep caring. For example, when you disagree with your spouse’s thoughts on child rearing, whether he or she is right or wrong becomes less important when you understand what his or her heart is trying to express.”
Marshall Rosenberg’s song continues: “There are things I need to say; things that mean so much to me. If my words don’t make me clear, will you help me to be free? If I seem to put you down; If you felt I didn’t care, try to listen through my words to the feelings that we share.”
His book reveals how to successfully unravel anger and frustration, and transform feelings of guilt, shame, fear and depression, so we can enjoy ourselves and contribute to more satisfying connections. As Rosenberg’s own mother once shared, “I was angry for 36 years with your father for not meeting my needs, and now I realize that I never once clearly told him what I needed.”
Link to:
Website for Jonia Mariechild, Communications Facilitator: Video introduction of Compassionate Communication.
http://www.butterflymysteries.com/CD “Connected Parenting” By Inbal Kashtan
http://www.baynvc.org/connected_parenting_cd.phpNonviolent Communication For Children & Youth By Inbal Kashtan
http://www.growingupeasier.org/index.php?main_page=page&id=163&chapter=3Quick Compassionate Communication Reference Guides:
http://www.newenglandnvc.org/images/workshop-handout-no-cover.pdf
http://www.baynvc.org/documents/quick_reference_guide.pdf
