We Are Family: Second Parent Adoption

The number of LGBT parents in this country is growing – and many people in the LGBT community have become parents through adoption. When looking into adoption as a path to parenthood LGBT people examine the same choices as straight parents do: domestic agencies, international adoption, foster care with possibility to adopt. The difference is that the legalities of same-sex couples adopting varies state to state with some states passing legislation prohibiting same-sex couples from petitioning jointly to adopt a child. These obstacles prevent kids in need being paired with loving homes. The good news is that more and more people are realizing that LGBT people can make wonderful parents and as public opinion changes, so will the laws – opening the doors for more kids to find a stable, loving and permanent home.

My partner and I decided I would carry and birth our two children – yet adoption is still a part of our parenting story – because we are lesbians. Even though we both equally wished for and conceived of these children; only I was automatically granted legal parental rights because of my biological connection to them. My partner was there when they were conceived, she rubbed my feet and made craving runs in the middle of the night during my pregnancy, she supported me through and witnessed their birth, and she was an equal parent from day one. These children know her as their parent just as much as they know me. Still, since we cannot marry, the law does not recognize her as their parent.

One of the reasons our children know my partner as their parent just as much as they know me is the efforts we made to ensure early bonding. From the moment our children were conceived, we both interacted with my growing belly – talking, reading and singing to them every chance we got. And, in order to make sure this bonding continued and to aid in early attachment, my birth plans emphasized my desire to bring my newborns close to my chest the moment they were born for immediate skin to skin time. I was grateful for having Spring and Summer babies, because the warm weather allowed for plenty of skin to skin time during their early weeks.

Similar to skin to skin time with our newborns, baby wearing was an integral part of my and my partner’s early bonding with them. As readers here will know, baby wearing has been shown to have many benefits for all children, and I believe it provides closeness that is especially valuable for all non-biological parents. Baby wearing not only gives my partner an easy way to be very near to our children, but also gives her a hand in calming and comforting them.

At five months and two and a half years, both of our children still enjoy being worn – and our whole family continues to reap the benefits. We are lucky enough, we live in a state that allows second parent adoptions for same-sex couples. Like so many other LGBT families, we have to gather documentation, hire a lawyer, submit to background checks, and open our home for a home visit to prove what is evident to everyone who knows us: We are a family. Despite the hoops we have to jump through, we are so grateful to live in a state that will legally recognize us both as parents to our children. So many LGBT families are not as lucky.