September 01, 2011
“Attachment parenting,” as we know it, comes from the work of Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha Sears, R.N. They were among the leading proponents of attachment parenting in America. But the original idea comes from John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, physician and writer. Born in 1907, he was raised by a nanny in his home, where he saw his mother only at exact times of the day, teatime for one hour. This was not uncommon at that time with the upper class. He was very attached to his nanny, but after 5 years, she had to leave. He was devastated, and, at age 7, he was sent away to boarding school. This was very difficult for him and he suffered tremendously. He was quoted in his book, Separation: Anxiety and Anger, as saying; "I wouldn't send a dog away to boarding school at age seven."[1]
Because of his own experiences, he continued to have sensitivity towards children for his whole life. He did not consider boarding school a bad thing for children over the age of eight, or for any child who would be getting away from a difficult home environment. In fact, after World War 2, he saw it as a way for some children to create bonds that they might not have had the chance to create in their own homes.
In 1949 The World Health Organization asked him to write a report based on his studies of the mental health of homeless children after the war. His article was entitled “Maternal Care and Mental Health.”[2] The result of this publication was that there was a widespread acceptance of his theory that “the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment.” [3] He believed that without this intimacy, that there could be “significant and irreversible mental health consequences.” [4] This publication was influential in causing widespread changes in the amount and policies of institutional care for infants and children.
John Bowlby’s work was a great influence on the work of Dr. and Martha Sears.
In 2001, Dr. Sears wrote his book, The Attachment Parenting Book. This is when the term, the idea and the method really caught on in America. On their official website, he states: “Attachment parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents. Attachment parenting implies first opening your mind and heart to the individual needs of your baby, and eventually you will develop the wisdom on how to make on-the-spot decisions on what works best for both you and your baby. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, care giving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child.” [5]
My personal experience with this method of parenting has convinced me of its efficacy. As I have written before, I had a difficult birth with my first child, and it left me feeling very vulnerable. Before her birth, I worked as a teacher. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to my job, but I had to go back to work part-time anyway. That idea ended up being thwarted by my little baby girl. Although I thought I had to go back to work, she had other plans for me.
I arranged for her to be cared for by the best baby sitter in town, Jane Holiday. She was Mary Poppins incarnate; since we lived in England at the time, she even had the accent! She was a mother of two, a nurse and had had a private childcare business for years. I was only going to be teaching a few hours, three days a week. I thought that at 3 and half months, my daughter Morgaine would be fine. Think again. My daughter screamed from the minute I dropped her off until the minute I got back two hours later. We both (Jane and I) felt that she would do better the next time. Think again again! On the next date Morgaine screamed so loud and for so long, that Jane thought she might be having a hernia and took her to the village doctor. To this day, I believe, she was hoping for a tonic of some sort for herself.
Needless to say, after this experience, I gave up on the idea of going back to work. I handed in my resignation and after a week of Dad taking care of her, Mom came back home. It was hard for us, and living extremely frugally wasn’t easy, but we made it work. I spent my days working, just not outside of our home. My baby was like the monkey I had met while visiting Thailand years before. She wrapped her arms and legs around me at all times. If she had had a tail she would have wrapped that too. There were times when I had to leave her crying in the arms of a friend that had amazing resilience to her cries. Luckily I had friends with earplugs. When she cried, she cried loudly!
In the hospital, I had held my baby close to me from the moment she was born, and prided myself on the fact that I had never let her cry. The other, more experienced mothers on the ward would eat and smile at me indulgently as I ate my breakfast with her breastfeeding in my arms. They sat easily, eating their food, while their babies fussed and cried in their bassinets. I thought I was being a good mom at the time, but have realized since how a little alone time is necessary!
In England, there is a funny ritual that still happens in the smaller hospitals. They encourage you to go out for a meal with your loved one(s) the night before you leave hospital to go home, sort of a last hurrah without baby. I did not want to go. I just wanted to stay with my new daughter. But my in-laws were there, and the nurses were shooing me out. With some coercion, I was talked into going out to dinner. When we returned we were met by a white-faced nurse, shaking her head back and forth, and saying, “You won’t sleep through her cries!”
I should have known then, that this child wanted to be “attachment parented.”
So, as I said, after giving up on going back to work at that time, I settled into a routine of feeding, holding, playing, holding, feeding, and holding for the next year. It was rough. There were times I wish I had a carrier that supported my aching back, but made due with a combination of holding her on my front, back and sides. (Sounds like a haircut!) After a while, her need to be carried around every minute stopped. Her desire to explore the whole wide world started and I was back to teaching part-time.
Twenty-three years later I sit, with my daughter in the next room, while I write this article. She is packing her things to go back to Vermont, where she is living and working. This clingy, dependent baby has grown into an incredibly independent young woman. After her initial need to feel secure in the new environment called “life,” Morgaine has grown like a blossoming vine. She has travelled to many countries, volunteered in Peru, worked at outdoor adventure summer camps in Canada, and spent a year of college abroad in Florence, Italy. Now, she is the events coordinator at her alma mater, taking college students on adventurous excursions. This is the daughter, my monkey, who just wanted me to hold her until she was ready to fly. I’m glad I did.
References: 1 Bowlby, J. (1973). Separation: Anxiety & Anger. Attachment and Loss (vol. 2); (International psycho-analytical library no. 95). London: Hogarth Press. 2 Bowlby, J. (1951). Maternal Care and Mental (Health.New York: Schocken.P.89). 3 Bowlby (1973) Separation: Anxiety & Anger 4 Bowlby 5 AskDrSears.com http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting