November 05, 2012
My first pregnancy took 20 months. My second pregnancy was 26 months. That is a long time to wait to meet my sons. I couldn’t talk to them before we met. I couldn’t make plans for their future. I didn’t know if they would be boys or girls. I didn’t get to tell them how much I already loved them.
My husband and I did not plan to adopt. We married, established our career paths, bought a house and then said “time to have kids!” I wasn’t sure I’d like being pregnant but I knew I would love being a mom. I had been a babysitter, a teacher and a nanny for almost 20 years! It was my turn. But years went by. We endured tests, surgeries and procedures. We spent a lot of money. Eight years later we felt we were at the end of the road. I still felt I was meant to be a mother. My husband said to give him 6 months before bringing up adoption. One year into waiting for an adopted child, he asked “why did we wait so long?” We met our son’s birth mom 6 weeks before he was born. She officially “picked us” four weeks before the birth. She gave us a sonogram picture to keep. It was the first time I could look at him and say “I love you!” Our son was born in late August. We took many walks in the autumn leaves-he in his stroller and me stopping every ½ block to check on him. I tried using a hand me down baby carrier but he outgrew it quickly and it wasn’t very comfortable anyway. My love for my child grew every day. We went on many adventures together. Babies see and hear a lot that we aren’t aware about. We visited the art museum. We went to story time at the library every week. I took him to the Japanese Garden. I was stumped at that one—the paths were gravel and I couldn’t push the stroller. A friend had shown me her Ergobaby Carrier that she carried her toddler in. It could be a front, back or hip carrier and accommodate a much heavier child. It was an investment. But we were close to our son’s first birthday—the time frame needed to put our name in for another baby! I could use it now for putting the toddler on my back and I certainly would need to keep our baby close so my hands were free to chase the older brother! We knew we waited a long time for our first. The second time, we waited longer. We know our adoptions are precious gifts. These children need to be loved. And we need to love them. Easily their paths could have been much different. Poverty, drug use, physical abuse—that easily could have been their environment. We made a promise to them, their birthparents and to ourselves to love and protect our gifts. We knew two children were our limit. We had aged and spent a lot of money over 13 years. I needed to savor every moment with my children. We brought our second son home at 3 days old. Our now three year old was not happy about that. He needed love and attention too! So I held my newborn close, eased the straps around him to support his head on my chest, and headed out into the world with my two sons. We went to the art museum, the library, and anywhere else we could find adventure. I didn’t have to stop every few minutes to check on my baby. I could feel his breath on my chest and gaze into his dark eyes. I was free to hold my three year old’s hand and talk about what we were seeing. I hold my sons close and nurture my gifts. The bond with a birth child begins the moment of conception. A bond with an adopted child is created and then nurtured. One of the most validating and positive steps toward parenthood we took was linking with Northwest Adoptive Families, Assoc. (NAFA) based in our hometown, Portland, Oregon. NAFA provides ongoing support and education for adoptive parents and families. In particular, a Baby and Toddler Care Class offered three times a year, caters exclusively to adopting parents.
We learned that kangaroo care or carrying an infant skin to skin holds immeasurable benefits in terms of bonding and attachment, issues that are critical for adoptive parents and children. With proper tools and know-how bonding can be strong whether families are biologically related or not. Attending this class made our impending parenthood feel “real."
This post was submitted by reader Diane Slaughter as part of our Adoption Awareness Month Series. Diane is a proud, adoptive mama on the go, dedicated to helping other adoptive parents. She leads NAFA’s bi-monthly group for Waiting Families and coordinates the Baby and Toddler Care Class. Her passions include beachcombing, scrapbooking and seeing things through the eyes of a child. Thanks to Ergo, NAFA has been gifted with carriers to use in the Baby and Toddler Care Class. To learn more about NAFA and this unique parenting class, visit www.nafaonline.org.