My oldest is nearly 3-years-old. This year she was able to plan for Father’s Day. We talked about things we could do to play with him and make him happy. She wanted to buy him a small toy that “he would like.” I agreed that something like a ball would be a sweet gift from her so they could play together.
So the Wednesday before Father’s Day we went shopping. As we got out of the car she insisted we go to the drug store with the “red letters.” Like most 2- and 3-year-olds, my daughter knows what she wants. Usually the opposite of what I suggest. But I am trying to roll with it as much as possible.
With baby sister dozing in the Ergo, we strolled through the seasonal toy aisle. I tried to steer her towards beach toys, which we could use anyway, but she wasn’t interested. I tried to entice her with all the options for balls, like we had originally planned. Nope. She had her eye on this cheap, plastic, made in China, fishing toy. You know, the kind of toy that breaks in a day, is forgotten in a week, takes up space in the toy chest, and ends up in the landfill? That’s what she wanted. She didn’t have a tantrum meltdown, but she was “using her words” and she was incredibly determined. I tried to distract her by exploring every single aisle of the store, but she insisted on going back for the fishing toy.
I decided to empower her. It wasn’t my choice. It wouldn’t have been my pick, but it was her gift to him. (I picked the card, though.)
The next day I dropped her off at preschool. And guess what art project was ready to bring home? A father’s day painting of a fish and pole, titled, “Hooked on Dad.”
She knew!
Now the toy may indeed be broken into small, easy to choke, plastic pieces. But the painting is on my husband’s nightstand. And I couldn’t be prouder.
What is my take home lesson?
Why do I find this a parenting success?
I found a cartoon online of a mom saying to her young daughter, “Honey, when you grow up I want you to be assertive, independent and strong-willed. But while you’re a kid, I want you to passive, pliable and obedient.”
As moms, we grew accustomed to our babies being (literally) a part of us. We knew exactly what they were doing and where they were. It is a disconcerting process to give up control. In my therapy groups, the new moms joke about how hard it is to even let their partners – adults and parents in their own right – take control by changing diapers a different way or feeding newborns. Naturally we approach empowering headstrong toddlers and preschoolers with trepidation. It seems strange to think that our little babies are having experiences apart from us. It is hard to consider we might not always know best.
But sometimes it pays off.
Abby is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Psychotherapist at Burd Psychotherapy in San Diego, CA. She specializes in Perinatal Mental Health, which includes mood and anxiety disorders, trauma and loss. In her free time she occasionally blogs at Baby Bird’s Farm and Cocina, where she shares adventures in natural parenting, urban homesteading and seasonal cooking. She is the proud mama to two girls, born in 2013 and 2011.
