On the latest episode of the Life with Baby podcast, we have a very special guest that is bridging gaps, celebrating diversity, and offering a beacon of hope and support for every parent.
Dr. Veronica Eyo is a licensed clinical social worker here in Los Angeles who specializes in working with mothers in navigating the challenges of parenthood so when it comes to maternal mental health, she knows what she’s talking about.
Resources + Show Notes
Ergobaby | ergobaby.com • instagram.com/ergobaby • tiktok.com/@ergobabyofficial
Dr. Veronica Eyo | drveronicalcsw.com • instagram.com/drveronicaeyo
Transcript
(0:00) Introduction
[Brandi]
The Life With Baby podcast is back with another episode. This week, we’re chatting with Dr. Veronica Eyo, a licensed clinical social worker here in Los Angeles who specializes in working with mothers. We’re talking about the power of connection, maternal mental health, and how to honor the season you’re in.
I’m so excited about our guest today. She’s gonna make your life with baby easier. I’ve said it, you’ve been warned.
All right? Today, we have Dr. Veronica Eyo, who specializes in working with mothers, new and seasoned, and navigating the challenges of parenthood as I almost choke on my spit.
[Dr. Eyo]
Because parenthood does that to you.
[Brandi]
It does that to you. It just grabs you by the throat. It just like chokes you out.
She has worked with clients throughout different stages of life. However, transitioned her practice to working with mothers, specifically mothers of color. After she became a mother and noticed a lack of representation in therapists during her personal healing journey.
Ain’t that the truth? For real, for real. Dr. Eyo has advanced training in diagnosing and treating antenatal and perinatal mental health disorders, as well as trauma and infertility. Welcome to the podcast, Dr. Eyo. How are you?
[Dr. Eyo]
I am so good. I’m so excited to be on here and talk about, obviously my favorite topic, maternal mental health. I have such a personal connection to it, and as well as professional. So I’m just really excited to talk about that.
(1:38) Ergo Fan Girl Moment
[Dr. Eyo]
Kind of having my own little fangirl mom moment.
[Brandi]
Oh, really?
[Dr. Eyo]
Because, I love my little Ergo. Like, I love, like, you don’t understand how much I love.
[Brandi]
Tell us more. We love to hear this.
[Dr. Eyo]
Okay. So setting the, setting the picture.
[Brandi]
Got to set the picture, set the tone.
[Dr. Eyo]
There you go. Six years ago, I had my first. And I was gifted an Ergo.
I actually had no idea what it was, but a few of the other moms were like, you need to have one. So I had my first, and I very much struggled, postpartum, I struggled with tons of anxiety, tons of depression. And as I was going through my own healing, they were like, wear the baby more.
Because I would get wrapped up with, I’m not doing enough. Like I’m such a bad mom. I’m such a bad wife.
Like it was just a whole mess of things. Then a year later, I got pregnant and I had a big old belly and I have so many memories of me with this big belly with the baby, my daughter on the back of me, like walking around. And then he was born.
My middle child was born. And I don’t think I could have gotten through the postpartum period without this child, my middle one being attached to me because I had a toddler. She was running around. I had to keep her running around. Let me rephrase that. Maybe she didn’t need to.
I needed her to run at all. Yes. So I was like known for like, I would wake up, give her breakfast and then I would put on the, my baby and my Ergo and we would walk to the park and then she would run around and then I’d walk back.
And I did that with my third, but it’s the same Ergo. It was the same one. Totally with the stains, all that stuff.
I was so heartbroken when I finally gave it up because I no longer have babies. But that’s a memory that I have of my Ergo is that it helped me during a time when I felt like I didn’t have enough hands. I wasn’t doing enough.
So that’s my fangirl moment.
[Brandi]
I love it. We’re here for a good fangirl moment.
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(4:24) Connecting With Your Baby
[Brandi]
You know, when you said it had stains on it, I feel like, are you even living? Are you even wearing an Ergo if it doesn’t have stains? Like, are you really wearing an Ergo if it doesn’t have like a little bit of spit up right here?
[Dr. Eyo]
Oh, it had a ton. I was like, could I have been better at washing it? I’m gonna be on, I’m gonna throw. Yeah, but I wasn’t.
[Brandi]
Washing it for suckers.
[Dr. Eyo]
But yes, happy to be here and happy to be like, this is my final connection with Ergo to be like, let’s come around to it of like, I used it to overcome part of overcoming postpartum. And then now being able to talk about maternal mental health, which is what I do every day.
[Brandi]
That makes us feel so happy too, because I feel like it’s such a tool to bond with our children, right? And just hearing that story, it makes me think of my own moments as well. That moment when you’re pacing the floor in the middle of the night and the only way they will go to sleep is in that carrier.
[Dr. Eyo]
We came from a generation and not everyone did, but a generation where it was, don’t hold your baby too much. You’re gonna spoil that child. You’re gonna have a child that’s always used to being in your arms and then you’re never gonna be able to do everything.
Like those comments, right? We came from that. I got it so, so much. So don’t spoil that baby. You’re spoiling that baby. Why?
And the thing is-
[Brandi]
It’s impossible.
[Dr. Eyo]
It’s impossible. So much research actually tells us that we holding our babies benefits, not only baby, our connection with baby, but also the connection with ourselves being mothers. And so hold that baby because pretty soon, they don’t want you to hold you no more.
That’s it.
[Brandi]
No, they’re not. And it’s funny. I mean, my oldest is 17. And it goes by so fast Now it’s like, I can’t put him in the Ergo. I can’t wrap him and be like, let me wear you.
[Dr. Eyo]
I know, come here.
[Brandi]
Let me wear you. He’s six foot one. I’m five foot two.
[Dr. Eyo]
Get off me. I mean, he’s more like, come here, mom. Let me hold you. Let me wear you.
[Brandi]
Like you are the smaller one. I can fit on his back. He cannot fit on mine. Like it’s just impossible. So you’re right. It’s impossible.
(6:44) Passenger Thoughts
[Brandi]
It’s like this idea that we can spoil our babies and not holding our babies. It runs deep. I hope that like parents begin to really be inquisitive on their why, like why that is, why they say that, why they believe that. And where is it coming from? You know, it’s kind of like this idea.
I call it like a passenger thought. But, you know, those thoughts that, you know, that just kind of get in the car with us. And we’re like, where did that come from?
Oh, that came from great, great, great uncle so-and-so who used to say that to their child, who said it to their child, who said it to my mom. And now they say it to me.
[Dr. Eyo]
I’m here with it.
[Brandi]
Right. And it’s in my car now. And they’re riding with me. We’re taking a road trip together. And, you know, I think of it like that. It’s one of those things. I hope that parents kind of can dissect the passenger thoughts that we have and kind of like, oh, wait, does this even align with what I believe? And if not, open the door and be like, OK, bye. Like, let it out your car, you know?
(7:51) Therapy Postpartum
[Dr. Eyo]
And that’s where therapy comes in. That’s one of the things that I love and appreciate about it. And it’s why I think even me personally, why I went to therapy during that time of postpartum, because I was flooded. And people just see you pop a baby out.
[Brandi]
Yes.
[Dr. Eyo]
And they’d be like, so. This is what you’re doing wrong. This is what you need to do. Like, it’s like everybody got an opinion on everything because they were the perfect parent.
[Brandi]
And it’s like, come on.
[Dr. Eyo]
But as a new mother, and sometimes I stay away from saying new mother, because I think each time you give birth to a child, you are a different mother. Those thoughts, you know, can have some sort of impact. My parents were from that generation where they did not nurse. It was like, no formula.
You better do some formula. Better do the formula. I’m like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up, back up, back up. I want to research show. Yeah. And then, you know, I’m struggling with it because again, let’s normalize that you will struggle with breastfeeding in the beginning. Your body don’t know what to do.
[Brandi]
Oh my God. Yes.
[Dr. Eyo]
They’re like, well, see, that’s why you shouldn’t do it. Because formula is better.
[Brandi]
And then the support is everything with breastfeeding. So it’s like, if you don’t have that support, you’re going to immediately abandon ship with that. Really quickly.
[Dr. Eyo]
Really. And so then you come to therapy, you have someone, hopefully, and this is why I like emphasize, if you are postpartum, see someone who specializes in this time, because it’s not just you said, like, no, it’s like, I’m happy for this baby, but I’m sad because I’m, you know, all these other things are happening. Or yes, I’m very anxious, but it’s not just anxious about baby. It’s now I’m finding myself doing repetitive tasks because I feel like these tasks are going to keep me safe.
And so I see so many mothers that come into therapy and it’s like, you have this third party telling you, but where did that thought come from? Why does that apply to you right now?
(9:55) Most Common Parenting Issues
[Brandi]
And it’s so funny. This is a perfect segue. I was going to ask you this. What are the most common issues that you see with some of your parents coming into your practice?
[Dr. Eyo]
I think the first was going on. The thought would be doubt of self, right? Because of like so much messages that we get. And I want to say it’s not even just family or friends. Now we live in the world of social media. Right now we could all open up our Instagram, our TikTok. And there’s this parent doing something that you’re not doing. So now then you feel like-
[Brandi]
Like you’re not doing enough.
[Dr. Eyo]
Yes. You know, a chunk of our work is really challenging. Like you said, passenger thoughts that are coming in and then deciding like you need to kick them out. How do we do that? How do we challenge that? How do we, you know, say like, you know what? You don’t serve me.
The other common thing that I see is with a lot of women. And I’m speaking in the terms of women of color that I see mothers of color of the birth trauma of not feeling listened to by your medical professional. About feeling like I was just forced to have to have that cesarean.
I was just forced to do this intervention. And even if the birth went in the way that she wanted, feeling like I wasn’t heard though. I wasn’t, I wasn’t seen, right? Because it became into I gave birth and it was all about baby. So mom, how did baby sleep last night?
[Brandi]
Yeah.
[Dr. Eyo]
So mom, how’s the nursing going? Should we just do formula to help? It’s, it’s tailored to that. Instead of my body just went through all these things. So there’s the physical aspect. Then there’s the hormones. I don’t even know what’s happening with the hormone. We all don’t even know.
[Brandi]
It’s like what’s happened, right? Yeah.
[Dr. Eyo]
I see women that come in at the four week, at the six week, at the eight week mark. They’re like, I thought that I had to get over it because I think culturally a lot of mothers of color are conditioned or have the thought to say. All right. Okay, girl, that was it.
[Brandi]
Gotta get over it.
[Dr. Eyo]
It’s in the past. You gotta keep going, you know. You gotta keep going. I think it makes it different to have someone say. You can feel what it is that happened. Like it doesn’t make you a bad mom because you’re, you’re reflecting on how things happened. Yeah. We can’t change it. We can’t know. But what, what elements are we able to forgive? What elements are we able to really take that can help us?
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(12:49) How is Maternal Healthcare Lacking?
[Brandi]
In what way is maternal health care lacking? And what do you think needs to be improved?
[Dr. Eyo]
I think the biggest thing that is still prevalent, even though people are working towards it, is dismissing the need for maternal mental health. Feeling like you just need to get over it. This is just normal. You have a baby, and you’re going to be some sort of way. And it’s all about the baby. So stop trying to focus on you. Focus on the good. That’s what you need to do. Focus on the good. That’s what they tell you.
And so even though I myself have a personal mission about talking about this, there’s people out there who really strongly believe that talking openly about your struggles as a parent is selfish. And so that impacts it because I think sometimes it steers people from either getting the referral that they need, or if they get the referral, they’re like, I don’t need this. I should not. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be feeling happy. I think that that’s lacking.
And I think in terms of making it better or improving it is that, I mean, talks such as these, like normalizing, hey, this is a thing. And it’s an important thing to talk about. Research says your child, so a society benefits more for a mother that feels grounded and centered and feel supported than one that is just not, you know, thankfully, we’re raising the next generation and making it normal to…
[Brandi]
Yes, to talk…
[Dr. Eyo]
To talk about it because that’s all we can do. You know, it may not happen in our generation, but for future generations, hopefully this is a normal thing. You find out you’re pregnant and they say, hey, just like I recommend you to get this much iron and this food and all that.
[Brandi]
Yeah.
[Dr. Eyo]
You know, in case you feel like you need to talk to someone, here you go. Let’s talk about it in pregnancy. Let’s establish that rapport. Right. Or if you don’t want to one on one, let’s do a group. Let’s just, because sometimes we don’t realize that we may not be ready to hear something, but we will remember it when time comes. Maternal mental health, I mean, I am very biased. I am so passionate about it because I have seen many a mother just, you could see it in their face that they’re breaking down and they got the smile.
I’m doing okay. And it breaks my heart. I mean, I was that mother, especially with my first.
(15:29) Signs of “I Need Support”
[Brandi]
What does that breaking down look like? What are the signs of I need support?
[Dr. Eyo]
First one is tiredness. There’s a difference between being tired because honestly, I don’t know a mother who’s not tired. Like it’s just there, you know, like I get it.
[Brandi]
I’m tired now.
[Dr. Eyo]
I might got my coffee there. Like I’m tired. I wake up tired. I go, you know, anyway, you know what? There’s a season that I’m in. You know, my kids are really little.
[Brandi]
It’s a season, yeah, yeah.
[Dr. Eyo]
You know, so anyways, so when I see a mother, you could see it in their eyes. It’s not just a physical exhaustion. It’s a mental exhaustion. It’s a, I’m here, but I’m not here. You know, someone takes the baby or looking away and that smile fades. And it’s like, this is how I’m really feeling. Then in terms of like breaking down, when other people give comments about how you should parent or how you should be a mother. So, for example, like we’ll always have people that will say you put socks on that baby. Did you, is in the socks is a big thing in our generation. I’m like, we live in Southern California. It’s 80 degrees outside.
[Brandi]
80 degrees outside. You know, that baby gonna catch pneumonia. How?
[Dr. Eyo]
Exactly. Exactly. Or it’s like the kid doesn’t eat something that grandma gave him or auntie gave him. Well, you see it because you eat, feed them all these chicken nuggets and you do the blah, blah, blah, right? And so then I will see a mother be like, oh, okay. Yeah. Like I’m doing that wrong. Let’s, how do I try that? Instead of on the other side of healing, being like, all right, but you don’t know which, you don’t know about my baby, right?
The confidence that comes in it. And so when I see a mother breaking down, I’ll hear like those statements of like, just defeat. Like, yeah, it’s another thing I’m doing wrong. I forgot the socks on this baby. I forgot the first Thanksgiving on this baby.
[Brandi]
Oh my God.
[Dr. Eyo]
Yeah. Right. It’s like another thing that I can’t do right. And a little self-disclosure with my first, I don’t remember anything of her first year. Pretty much after her, the traumatic birth, I can’t tell you nothing. I don’t remember the first time I held her because she was rushed.
It was a whole thing. She was rushed to NICU, whatever. They drugged me. It was a whole thing. I don’t remember anything. And so for me personally, I remember that feeling of defeat. That is one of my biggest motivations for the work that I do. Now, I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes or say like, you need to have therapy or you need to do these things. It’s more of, I just want to be the second voice that says, are you sure you’re okay?
Like, you may not think of, and you might say, yeah, yeah, yeah I’m fine. All right. But then my hope, planting seeds, that’s actually one thing that it’s very common in therapy, saying like, we’re just planting seeds. I don’t know when it’s going to sprout. And hopefully when it’s time to sprout, you know, you will have, I would have planted the seed of like, you know what? No, I’m not okay.
[Brandi]
You know, I remember being, this was with my first, being six days postpartum and going to see my parents, taking a three to four hour road trip because I had to bring the baby to go see family.
[Dr. Eyo]
Mm-hmm. Oh yeah.
[Brandi]
After giving birth, I’m still bleeding, mind you.
[Dr. Eyo]
Oh yeah.
[Brandi]
I still have on the big old pad, man. The big old diaper pad.
[Dr. Eyo]
Yeah. And you can’t, and it’s all tight. You’re just like, oh, everything hurts. And like, yeah.
[Brandi]
I still have that on. I still have that going on. And I remember getting there and immediately regretting it. I remember having a smile that you speak of on my face, everyone being excited to see the baby and them leaving the room. And I had a moment to myself and it was just me and my husband. And I remember just breaking down, just ugly cry, like the snot, the tears, just ugly cry.
And I mean, by that time, I mean, I was there. I might as well just enjoy the ride. Buckle up.
[Dr. Eyo]
Because again, because we get over it. Like it already happened. We just gotta keep pushing.
[Brandi]
Yeah, it already happened.
(19:51) Mental Health Success Checklist
[Brandi]
This leads me to my next question. How can parents set themselves up for success in their mental health after baby?
[Dr. Eyo]
It’s a lot of being honest, like of what is it that you’re truly able to do? Like if you miss this holiday, are we never going to get another holiday again? Now, yes, I understand that life, we don’t know what life has in store. Yes, yes. But let’s be optimistic and that it will be there. Yeah. Because even just what you just described, I’m like, if I would have either been a friend or a therapist in that time, I’d be like, you sit yourself right here. Stop. Don’t even get in that car. No.
[Brandi]
Find a chair and sit in it.
[Dr. Eyo]
Yes. Preferably one that has like a cushion and stuff. Because you know.
[Brandi]
Preferably that one.
[Dr. Eyo]
You know, because I think in the beginning, when you first become a parent, you don’t know what you’re advocating for or what you need to advocate for, right? Because we spend so much of pregnancy, so much of preparing for baby, all about baby. But we don’t talk enough about after baby. And so when I’ve had those clients who have either, they’ve heard me say something about it on social media or on a podcast or something, and they’ll be like, all right, all right. So how do I prepare for baby?
What do I need to do? We look at the calendar, we’ll see because everybody has babies at different times. Actively looking at what’s coming up for it. Because the familial expectations hit hard after you have a baby. So if it’s Christmas, because I remember I have two October babies. So Thanksgiving was like right there. And if I knew to advocate for myself, no, I’m not doing Thanksgiving. Because the mother that I am now, the last two Thanksgiving, I’ve spent it on a resort with my family because I ain’t cooking. I ain’t hosting.
[Brandi]
Cooking where? Who’s cooking? Not me.
[Dr. Eyo]
No, I’m gonna eat on a beautiful resort on a beach. My baby’s gonna be in the pool. Mom’s gonna have a drink in her hand at all times. All right, y’all.
[Brandi]
All the time, the entire time.
[Dr. Eyo]
Absolutely, the whole time. So looking at the calendar. Then before that, deciding when do you wanna have guests? One of the things that I’m very thankful for in COVID was that people could not come to this hospital room. So many a mother be like, oh, thank goodness I did not have to talk about this. You know, it’s not my fault. The hospitals don’t let you in.
They only let one person in. I’m sorry, I miss you there.
[Brandi]
I’m so sorry you can’t come, Uncle so-and-so and Auntie so-and-so.
[Dr. Eyo]
Yes, because then you don’t wanna kiss my baby. Then you wanna kiss my baby with those dirty lips. With germs.
[Brandi]
Now you wanna, just all things. Just all up in the space. It’s like one less judgmental person.
[Dr. Eyo]
Exactly.
[Brandi]
It’s like-
[Dr. Eyo]
Because even though it’s well-meaning, they’ll say like, I just wanna be of support for you. And you know what? I truly believe that people do wanna be supportive of you. They wanna show.
[Brandi]
Oh 100 percent.
[Dr. Eyo]
The thing is, you don’t know how yourself as a mother is going to feel, or even as a parent, because dad can feel this too, of how you’ll feel when baby is earthside, especially the first few months. And so let’s do a preventative. Let’s decide, you know what? We want no visits at the hospital. You’re not married to it. If you decide, hey, I wanna do something different, that’s fine.
All right? And so many couples that I work with will say like, for a month, we don’t wanna have any guests aside from the grandparents or aside from these people. All right? The second thing is, how you gonna eat? Okay, how you gonna make sure that you eat?
[Brandi]
That part.
[Dr. Eyo]
How you gonna make sure that you eat?
[Brandi]
People forget about that.
[Dr. Eyo]
They do. So sometimes I wish like, when you give birth, they give you like a little checklist. Like, all right, so mom, I’m gonna need you to put this reminder on your phone. Because you know we live on our phones. Even if you live on it, we need to put some reminders on there to make sure that you eat. If it’s not an issue for you about remembering to eat, it’s about making sure that there’s food in the house.
So who can we ask for ahead of time to say, can you take this on? And oftentimes when I work with parents, it feels so uncomfortable to ask for help. Just because you’re feeling some sort of way, still say or ask for what you need. A feeling will pass. And then when are you going to have a checkup of how you are doing mentally? So we have the six week, if you get vaginal birth, we have the eight week that we do, that you know, we see cesarean. And I think those are important appointments. But we still need to have doctors say, Hey, how are you doing mommy? Yeah. You know, that was very awkward because, you know, they all have been your, you know, stuff. But honestly, after birth, I feel like you’re just like, alright.
[Brandi]
You might as well get in my head too.
[Dr. Eyo]
You might as well.
[Brandi]
You might as well explore my head as well.
[Dr. Eyo]
So even if a doctor does not specialize in that, just, hey, like this is where you can reach out to do it. And what that does is not only for you, but it’s also having a third party who knows you. Hopefully if you’ve been in therapy before, before you got pregnant, but even if they don’t look at you, there’s certain things as you’re a postpartum therapist that I’m looking at you to see, Hey, maybe you need this. Yeah. We’re not, sometimes we’re so in it.
We don’t think about it. Right.
[Brandi]
We don’t even think about it. Especially when you’re in it.
[Dr. Eyo]
So, that’s my long winded thing of what you see. I feel like now I need to make that a little checklist and then trademark it and then be like, all right, make it like laminated. Laminate it.
[Brandi]
Don’t worry. In this episode, we will be having a checklist with you.
[Dr. Eyo]
Thank you.
[Brandi]
For all of our Ergobaby audience.
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(26:19) Supporting Parents Supports the Next Generation
[Brandi]
So you said that you believe supporting parents is also supporting the next generation. Can you expand on that?
[Dr. Eyo]
For us thinking about us and their generation, right? Looking at the next generation. Asking for help or asking or being open to yourself as you’ve grown and change. I feel like it’s going to be the biggest thing because it’s going to normalize it. Right? It’s going to normalize. Oh, I’ve been doing this in this way for so long. Why am I doing it? And I think that that can apply in everything, right? If you see your parents questioning why they do something or if it even serves them.
These kids, they’re going to think about it. We are raising the next generation to be okay that it’s normal for them to do a quick check-in with themselves about everything. Do I want to go to the school? Do I want to do a sport? Do I like this job? Because we came from the generation. My parents stayed at the same job for, they still there.
[Brandi]
50 plus.
[Dr. Eyo]
Right?
[Brandi]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Dr. Eyo]
And it’s like, they didn’t stop to think.
[Brandi]
Yeah, it’s funny too. When you said that, I immediately thought of a dear sister friend, Koya Webb. I attended a breathwork session with her amongst a lot of other women. And it was in the depths of the pandemic. And she said, how do you want to show up? And that question hit me so hard because I’ve known how I need to show up.
Always have known that. How am I required to show up? But never had I been asked, how do I want to show up? And I think when you said that, like doing that check-in is a part of that. It’s asking ourselves as parents, especially if you are postpartum and you just had a baby, how do you want to show up in this season? It’s so important. And I think it too, it reminds us of our agency, that we have a say.
[Dr. Eyo]
We do what we see our parents do, even if we don’t want to. My husband will often, we’ll look at each other with these kids and be like, if this was the 90s.
[Brandi]
Oh, they wouldn’t survive.
[Dr. Eyo]
Oh, this was the 90s.
[Brandi]
We say the same thing. We say the same thing. It’s like, we literally have looked at like, you wouldn’t have survived in our house as a kid.
[Dr. Eyo]
Oh, no.
[Brandi]
Be grateful.
[Dr. Eyo]
Right. And then I’m like, you know what, babe, I’m going to step outside because my own, how I was parented is coming out right now. So I’m going to need.
[Brandi]
It’s coming out.
[Dr. Eyo]
Time out. Time out.
[Brandi]
The left eye is switching.
[Dr. Eyo]
Right. But the thing is, is like giving room to that. I’m not a bad mom.
[Brandi]
We never, never would question our parents like. What, what, what? Like ever. And with our kids, it’s like they question us. And here’s the thing. It’s like, we want them to do that because it’s exactly, you know, we want them to question authority. We want them to be like, that doesn’t feel right for me, actually. Please expound.
[Dr. Eyo]
Oh, my goodness.
[Brandi]
I love how you said just because the thought comes up like, man, if this was the nineties. Oh, my God. Like that thought comes up. It doesn’t make us a bad parent. It makes us a parent that was parented in a certain way. And we remember, we remember it. And that’s wow.
[Dr. Eyo]
And I think one of the things that I would expand on, on this question would be not only just like, uh, self-awareness or like asking yourself, if what, how do I want to show up? Cause I think that that’s a great question. I think also asking, am I being realistic in how I want to show up? Because I gave the example of the holiday because it’s the holidays. Y’all so that I’m there, right.
I love it, but there were times where I couldn’t show up in the way that I wanted to. And right now my house looks like just Christmas threw up all over, but you know what?
[Brandi]
Yours is better than mine.
[Dr. Eyo]
Two years ago when I had a baby. Oh, because I’m in a different season. And so if we can normalize, not only like, how do I want to show up? But is that realistic in this season for me? Or another common one that I’ll get with the mothers that I work with is about appearance. I just look like a mess all the time.
I never have time to put on makeup or they’ll say like, Veronica, I see you and you’re put together. I’m like, listen, I got a two-year-old, a four-year-old and a six-year-old. They can put on their clothes by themselves.
All right.
[Brandi]
Yeah.
[Dr. Eyo]
Or I can wake up now because I’m not nursing, no baby in the middle of the night to shower, but you want me to show you a picture of me two years ago?
[Brandi]
Let me, let me roll that beautiful bean footage on.
[Dr. Eyo]
Yeah. I wear the same five clothes. Oh, you just over to rotate because I can’t even think about getting creative, but do I love to see a woman out there like getting dressed up or well-dressed man? Absolutely. But I’m not in that season right now.
[Brandi]
So it’s like, know your season, know the season that you’re in. That’s so good.
[Dr. Eyo}
And we’re normalizing that for our children because they see us doing that or talking about that. The next generation, oh, they go, they’re going to be ready with so much self-awareness to not be in a place where I just got to suck it up and just move on. And we’re starting with maternal mental health.
That’s where we’re starting because mama is the example for it. And so much research shows that, and okay, maybe this is not always the best because it shouldn’t be all on mothers. However, the research shows that if a mother does a specific trait, her kids are very likely to go follow through that, right?
So if a mother is intent on going to church or synagogue, very likely the kids will follow. Then if a mother is taking the time to take care of her mental health, she is showing an example for her children to do the same.
[Brandi]
Well, it’s funny you say that because I immediately thought of our other guests. Brandy Jordan said something so similar where she said, you know, having something outside of our children, finding joy outside of our children, when we do that, we benefit and our children benefit, you know? So hopefully someone needs to hear that in this moment.
[Dr. Eyo]
I always need that reminder.
(33:14) Must-have Product for New Parents
[Brandi]
What is a must-have product that you recommend for new parents?
[Dr. Eyo]
I said the Ergo, right?
[Brandi]
I said what I said.
[Dr. Eyo]
Okay. Yes. For the baby stage on that. The next thing I would say if I had to say about from here right now is invest in some good AirPods.
Now hear me out. It’s not about what you listen to them. It’s that the noise of kids. A lot of us came from the generation where kids are supposed to be quiet. And so when we hear noise, sometimes some of us are really heightened to noise. And I will say that’s for me. That’s me. So it is not uncommon that I will walk around the house with AirPods on, not because I’m listening to anything though. I do love me a good audio book, but it’s because I can hear things in a more muffled tone.
And so I’m not reacting. I’m not like, stop, stop yelling. Stop doing this. Yeah. Right. Like me making it worse.
Right. So if you can get yourself some good little headphones, you will find that the way that you react to your children, the sound of your children will be more aligned perhaps with how you want to interact with your kids and coming from a place of, yeah, from being triggered.
[Brandi]
Okay. That is so spot on. And now I’m like, goes on Google and like finds headphones because it’s kind of like less reactionary and more proactive is what I’m hearing from you as a mom.
(34:47) What Keeps You Up at Night?
[Brandi]
As a mom, what keeps you up at night?
[Dr. Eyo]
Well, right now it’s these spicy novels that I’m reading.
[Brandi]
Ooh, do tell girl.
[Dr. Eyo]
Okay. But besides spicy novels, because I’m a therapist and I hear so much of how parents influence how their kids are, that sometimes I will get into those thoughts of like, am I showing up the way that I want for my kid. Many nights, it’s yes. I’m not perfect. I’m not perfect. I’m far from it, but I think that I am a great mom, but those thoughts creep in.
So that sometimes will keep me up. And then I have to like, and then this is where I got my spicy novels or I got my friend group and I’m like, Hey, so this is what I’m thinking about. And then they’ll remind me of who I am. Right. So that’s what keeps me up.
(35:34) Late Night Advice
[Brandi]
A lot of our listeners right now are probably up as we speak at night. They’re probably pacing the floor, stressed out in this thick of it. What would you tell them?
[Dr. Eyo]
Take each moment as it comes one at a time. So if they figure right now, you’re thinking like, Oh my God, this baby cannot go to sleep. Okay.
Let’s get through the next minute. Let’s get through the next 30 minutes. Let’s get through the next hour, small steps, do what feels comfortable for you in just surviving this next interval of time. Take small, small bites. You are able to do this because again, a feeling will pass. If you’re thinking like, I don’t know how I’m going to get through tomorrow being with my toddler and the baby.
One bite at a time. That’s it. That’s all you got to do.
(36:29) Thank You, Dr. Eyo
[Brandi]
That’s so good. Thank you so much, Dr. Eyo. I just, one, I wish I would have known you when I had my little, little ones.
Because just hearing that, just one moment at a time, I think we get so overwhelmed by the massness of parenthood. So just hearing you say one moment at a time, one bite at a time, it’s so comforting. Thank you so much.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you all for listening in. I hope this episode made your life with baby a little bit easier.
[Dr. Eyo]
You too.
[Brandi]
Ergo Baby is dedicated to building a global community of confident parents. The Life With Baby podcast is just one of many ways we hope to support parents through all the joys and jobs of parenting.
This podcast was produced by Tiffany Toby, edited by Angel Hunter and Hannah Speckart, written by Vittoria Allen, sound design and theme song by Jon Jackson, graphics designed by Noah Friedenberg, and our executive producers are Christina Soletti and Kalani Robinson. I’m your host, Brandi Sellerz-Jackson.
